Let’s cut to the chase. Today sucked. Period. No two ways about it. It was the kind of day that normally would be followed by consuming a bottle of wine, curled up in the corner while laugh-crying over some ridiculous cat commercial.
Yeah, THAT kind of day.
What was the cause you ask?
Three little angel children, whom I didn’t realize could double as devils. Since these precious little creatures came into my life over the last four years, I have had quite a few days like today. The screaming, crying, fighting, whining, not listening, not eating, dumping food on the floor, stepping on the dog, jumping on the furniture, unable to sit still, wiping poop on the wall, kind of day. (And yes, each and every one of those things happened today, most within a span of about 4 hours.)
I broke. My resolve crumbled, and I yelled. I yelled, and they cried. They cry and I feel like shit because I made them cry. After an agonizing ordeal getting them to go to bed, I sat on my porch with a glass of wine (yep, working on that bottle as I type) and a rather startling, yet seemingly obvious thought occurred to me. Maybe they can’t help it.
Two of my three children are twins. Twin girls that were born prematurely, and both had one issue or another after birth. Since finally ridding themselves of the apnea monitors I carried around for eight months, there has been nothing abnormal about their behavior or growth since. I thought, well then, they are just going to be fine and grow up with no complications from being 10 weeks early.
But what if they aren’t? OR, what if it is a more simple answer… Maybe, they just want attention – my attention. I am a work-from-home mother, who is also going to school online and married to an only-home-on-weekends truck driver (who is honestly one of the best men and fathers on the planet). To put it bluntly, I am spread a little thin. So, the screaming, crying, fighting, whining… etc. etc. could just be their way of telling me that we need more time together.
The point.. yeah, I’m getting there.
On my list for the 6 Month Enlighten Yourself Challenge, one of my goals was to carve out more time for my children. Pretty sad huh? When you have to write it down to make sure you hang out with your kids. Sometimes though life can get so crazy, and all the excuses I (we) tell ourselves are just that, excuses. Tomorrow, we will hit the park. Tomorrow, we will play that game. Later we will bake those cookies – because right now mommy needs to work, study, wash the dishes.
What they hear is that they aren’t as important as work, studying or the dishes.
Wow, slap in the face, right? My cheek is still stinging.
One of the reasons behind starting this challenge was to include things that will enrich my life to ultimately make me a better, more well rounded person. Yet, here I am only two weeks in completely regressing and falling into old habits, expecting my kids to entertain themselves, when really all they want to do is play with me.
What mother wouldn’t want that? I don’t want to look up from this computer screen one day to find them running off with friends, having no time for me. Children are sponges. They are observational learners, more than anything else. I see myself mirrored in their actions and it makes me sad that they are picking up the worst parts of me and not the best.
So, here I am gushing my wine-soaked emotions to you because I need to be honest, and held accountable in this challenge, as I hope you are all doing for yourselves as well. We are only as strong as we allow ourselves to be. Whether you believe in God, or think things are just the way they are, the important thing to remember, is you do have it in you to get through the hardest of days and stay on track to meet your goals, and reach those challenges you set.
Tomorrow is a brandy new day with no mistakes in it. Even if some are made along the way, shrug it off and keep going. I will.
I think tomorrow will be a great day to hit the park. Even if they do yell and scream at each other in the morning over spilled cereal on the floor. After all, its not going anywhere… but my kids, they’ll be grown and gone before I know it.